He said to me, “Don’t be so available in your next relationship”

I remember looking out the window next to the front door in my parents home.

His car pulls up the driveway and I feel my heart racing hard and fast. 

I reach for the doorknob and see that my hand is shaking…

“Breathe, Diana”, I say to myself.

I step into his car and smell his cologne, a scent I’d come to know so well. 

We don't say a word to each other, because deep inside we both know…

This is going to be the last conversation we ever have after 8 years of being together.

He parks the car near a little ravine and we begin to talk.

We have a beautifully painful conversation about our love, the years spent together and why this could never work.

And just when I thought there was no more we could say to each other he says to me…

“Diana, don’t be so available in your next relationship.”

I felt hurt - like he was insulting the very fabric of who I was - a ride or die kind of lover.

I felt confused - how can I NOT be available in a relationship?

And little did I know, I’d spend the next decade answering this question.

After back to back relationships of seeing the painfully clear common thread that I indeed was too available for him and not available enough for me, I learned about the ways I self abandoned in relationships; I also learned about chemistry, polarity and what makes a relationship “stick”.

Today I have a man who loves me with every fiber of his being, who sees me as the star that I AM and who’s pleasure is my pleasure. He stands so firmly in his masculine presence that my feminine has no choice but to emerge, to soften, to receive and to adore him as the King of my Queendom.

…and I no longer need to wonder if I’m being too available. 

It hasn’t always been easy to melt into him and trust the process but I am forever devoted to being the yin in our relationship and allowing space for his sexy powerful yang energy to provide for me.