Men With Avoidant Attachment Are Not Bad

I see increasingly more conversations and awareness around attachment styles in relationships.

People are yearning to understand why they’ve been wired the way that they are; and why the people they’re dating act the way they do.

Do you relate more to being anxious?

To being avoidant?

Perhaps a mix of the two?

Or perhaps you find yourself feeling increasingly more secure.

What I’d love to point out, is the unfortunate piece of this attachment conversation that makes avoidant (usually men) out to be the enemy.

They are not.

People with more avoidant tendencies are not evil or ill intentioned.

Yes, relating to someone with avoidant attachment can be a challenge – especially, if you’re more on the anxious side.

Their avoidance will trigger your anxiety.

With that said, if you discover a man has avoidant tendencies, should you cut your losses and call it quits?

Not exactly.

The fact that he’s avoidant, doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t love you.

In fact, it’s not a fact at all.

Attachment styles are transient and dependent on which relationship you’re in and what that other person magnifies in you.

You can feel anxious with your boyfriend, and totally secure around your best friend, for example.

You can feel secure one day, and anxious the next.

I had a predominantly anxious attachment style for two decades, and now find myself feeling gloriously secure with my partner – most of the time.

#yourstyleisnotstagnant

And neither is his.

What’s important is, is he willing to try?

Even though his instinct is to run and take space, does he balance that with your need for closeness and conversation?

Is he aware of what he needs to work on and wanting to do the growth to feel more secure and be present with you?

He will not be perfect.

He will likely trigger you, at times.

But is his heart open to partnership?

Can you ask him questions about your relationship or the state of his heart without him shutting you out?

It’s important to note that if your man is more avoidant, you can’t water hose him with intense, intimate conversation.

His style deserves to be respected, too.

He will need some time to find his sense of safety, without you.

And that may be hard for you to deal with at times.

But he is not evil.

He is just as afraid of getting hurt as you are.

His fear, just looks different than yours.

With love,

Diana