Feeling Safe is an Inside Job

It isn’t your partner’s job to make you feel safe. 

While safety in a relationship is most certainly established by the two people who are in it, feeling safe is actually an inside job. 

It’s your job. 

We spend so much time thinking that it is someone else’s job to make us feel safe. 

We think that it’s about how our partner makes us feel.

And while there are absolutely behaviours from our partners that can contribute to or subtract from our feeling of safety, it is still not entirely up to them.

I have a couple of questions for you. 

Do you feel safe when you’re not getting exactly what you want in your relationship? 

Do you know how to calm your nervous system without your partner in your physical space?

Let me share a secret with you. 

You can have a partner who is loving, supportive, and reliable, and STILL not feel safe in your relationship. 

You have to develop those tools to do this for yourself. 

I’d go as far to say that if you don’t feel safe in your own body, thoughts and emotions, you are actually contributing to or creating that unsafe environment you are fearing in your relationship. 

Safety in a relationship goes both ways. 

But I’ve got good news for you. 

As long as you’re not experiencing a real threat, you can calm your nervous system done and help create a safe space for yourself. 

When you feel that heightening in your emotions, the stir in your nervous system, or that instance to fight or flight, I want you to take a deep breath and repeat this little mantra to yourself. 

“I am safe. I can take space to find my calm before responding to this situation. My intense emotions are more from my past than my present. I am safe.”

When you are able to approach that fear head on, you take responsibility for your own safety. 

This will help you to only be available for someone who is going to magnify this safety for you. 

Practice this mantra. 

Not only for you, but for your partner. It may just save your entire relationship.

With love, 

Diana