Finding Safety in a Relationship

Safety in a relationship has just as much to do with yourself as it does with the other person.

We often think that feeling safe in a relationship is all about how someone else makes us feel – and this simply isn’t true.

Yes, safety in a relationship is established by the two people in it.

And – feeling safe is very much an inside job.

No one can make you (consistently) feel what you don’t know how to feel for yourself.

Do you know how to feel safe when you’re not getting exactly what you want in your relationship?

Do you know how to calm your own nervous system with or without this person in your physical space?

You can have the most loving and reliable partner, and still not feel safe without the tools to do this for yourself.

I may even argue that if you don’t know how to feel safe within your own body, thoughts and emotions – that you are unknowingly contributing to and creating an unsafe environment in your relationship.

As long as you’re not under real threat, when you feel the heightening of your emotions, the rising of your nervous system, the instinct to fight or flight, take a deep breath and remind yourself,

“I am safe. I can take my time to find my calm before responding to this situation. My intense emotions are more to do with my past than my present. Let me get curious here. I am safe.”

The more you can find this feeling within yourself, the more you will only be available for someone who magnifies this safety for you.

It is not your partner’s job to make you feel safe.

It is your job, to do this for yourselves, and each other.

With love,

Diana